No doctor is writing out a prescription for it. You won’t find it in the health food store. No one’s taken a patent out on it. But there is something you can get that can make all the difference in the world to how you feel and your quality of life, especially if you suffer from a chronic illness. It’s something that is readily available to everyone. It doesn’t cost one red cent. And the only thing you have to do to get it is ask for it. What is this magic drug? This miraculous supplement? This elixir of life?
It’s called help. And most of us don’t know how to ask for it. We think we have to be stoic. We don’t want to appear weak. We’ve worked so hard to be independent. And somewhere along the way, we’ve forgotten how to ask for help, if we ever knew to begin with.
I’m going to teach you how to ask for help. First of all, figure out what kind of help you need. Is it physical help? You know – the, “Could you please open the pickle jar for me?” kind of help. Or is it emotional help? The “May I borrow your shoulder to cry on?” kind of help.
Please notice something about these two examples. This is important. The helpee is telling the helper exactly what she needs – a pickle jar to be opened, a shoulder to cry on. This is what we call content communication in the coaching world. In the regular world, we call it asking directly for what you want and not expecting your helper to be a mind reader.
Second, I want you to be smart about asking for help. There’s no point in going to dry wells for water. Don’t ask people who can’t or won’t give help. Don’t ask people who are horse traders – who want something from you because they helped you. Be sure to match the kind of help you need with the person who is most capable of giving it. Maybe your life partner is great at opening the pickle jar, and your best friend is the shoulder you want to cry on – or vice versa.
Trust me. I know how difficult it is to ask for help. I’m the original Lone Ranger myself. (But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto!) In fact, most people don’t like to ask for help. M. Nora Klaver cites a study in her book, Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need, that discovered 7 out of 10 people admitted they could have used help the week preceding the study but didn’t ask for it. I’m willing to bet that, if the study had asked people do they like to be asked for help, 9.9 people out of 10 would have said yes, they do. Because the truth is it feels good to be asked for help, and people feel great about themselves when they are able to help someone else.
So why is it so darned difficult to do this self-nurturing thing called asking for help when it is important to our health and well-being, especially if we suffer from chronic illness? Because we believe (wrongly) that, if we ask for help, it means we don’t have our act together. It means we are less than the perfect to which most of us unconsciously aspire. Besides, reaching out for help feels so darned vulnerable, and who the heck wants to feel vulnerable?
But you know what? Right in the middle of that uncomfortable vulnerability is where we discover empathy and connection – both of which can be sorely lacking when we’re walking the path of chronic illness. And a funny thing happens when we ask for help. Our vulnerability transforms into self-love, strength, self-care, and courage.
Remember, “When you don’t ask for help when you need it, you deprive those who’d love to give it of the opportunity to do so. Everyone is worse off. When you ask someone for help, you aren’t putting them out. You’re pulling them up.” (Author unknown)
There’s one more thing I want you to remember. You deserve help. You are worthy of support. Most important of all, you are worthy of your own love and the love of others. Give that love to yourself by asking for help. Allow others to express their love for you by receiving their help.
To our local FLI patients: Don’t forget that our next support group is on Tuesday, April 12, at 6:30pm, at the FLI office at: 2628 El Camino Ave., Suite C-1, Sacramento, 95821. Please RSVP to 916-550-0567 to reserve your place. Space is limited.
To our distance FLI patients: I wish you could ALL join us for our monthly support groups at the FLI office in Sacramento. However, I want to encourage you to be sure to book your weekly coaching session with me. You do NOT have to do this alone. If you feel you need additional support, that can be arranged for an additional fee.
To our website visitors: Welcome! We’re delighted you’re here! Please take the time to have a good look around our site. If we can help you in any way or you want to learn more, please feel free to contact us.
